Opinions please

I have been thinking about the possibility of starting a blog about my journey through my husband's illness. It has been really helpful to get it all off my chest. At the same time it has also caused other things in emotional nature to happen. What do you guys think? This blog is for my kid's and their schooling and so families far and wide can see what we are up to. I don't really want the two to mesh so to speak.
I need opinions here. I feel like I am becoming self obsessed or something and that I don't want. I don't want an all incompasing all about me thing It just helped me so very much to have it out there and I have found I am not alone and if I can help others while healing myself all in the same process it would be fantastic.
So let me have it.

Vanessa

Thank you kind friends

I got such wonderful friends here and you all have been so kind. I would like to take a moment to say how much I appreciate all of you for your concern about my husband. I really makes my journey down this road much easier with such great people around me, even virtually although some of you I know in real life.

To answer some questions that came up in the comments I would like to give you a bit of information about this virtually unknown disease. I say unknown because my dh saw about 10 specialists and all didn't have a clue what exactly he had, just what he didn't. So I will give you the gist.

Buerger's disease is for those who have smoked ALOT in their life. I didn't think my hubby smoked that much but then again almost the moment we started dating he knew I didn't like the habit and therefore he didn't really do it around me. Thus my knowledge on the amount was pretty limited. He picked up smoking somewhere around age 13-14. Crazy since my oldest son is about to turn 13 and I can't fathom him smoking. Thank goodness he is hs'ed so he doesn't have those types of influences around him. Anyway about a year ago my dh's fingers started turning bluish white when it got cold. His mom has Raynaud's so we just assumed that when cold, this would continue to happen to him. The his skin started to sort of get really tight and a sore started to form, later we would discover these are called ulcers. He thinking he had an infection tried to heal it with bandages and neosporin. This actually made it open and then the fun began. It didn't go away until we went on vacation in June. Kid you not. He had this ulcer for about 4-5 months. It also started to hurt a bit. Then when it did heal it didn't seem his skin wanted to grow back so he sort of lost a chunk at the tip of his finger, hmm weird but ok. He got all cleared up while we were on vacation in South Carolina. He had no pain and things seemed to go back to normal. Then we came back and one of his toes decided to get an ulcer. He again tried bandages and neosporin and it again opened up and has yet to heal. It has been about 3 months now. About a month ago another finger started to get an ulcer and we decided not to bandage it and just put the cream to make the skin not as tight which was causing discomfort. This seems to have not made it open so we are hoping that will be a good thing. About 3 weeks ago dh noticed on the same foot his toe had an ulcer the ball of his foot had a bruise. A week and a half passed and we saw it was no bruise but what appeared to be another ulcer. It has yet to open but if it does we are in deep kimpshe(sp?). Actually dh just informed me that it opened last night (thursday), great. Now he is hobbling even more. :(

Dh is a disabled Veteran so alot has been going through the V.A. But after having seen the umpteenth specialist and no one having an answer we went to our doctor. He also didn't have an answer. We tried a herbalist that lives in Canyon City that gave Chris some crystals and such and that didn't seem to help either. He has had cat scans, X-Ray's, blood work among other things. He has been put on several antibiotics, steroids, blood thinners, pain medications and even been offered (ahem) a medical prescription for marijuana (ahem)? Seriously? Appearntly good for cronic pain? Nothing seems to work .

One day he was working , at the state hospital, and one of the doctors and older Asian gentlemen and him were talking and after about 30 min. the guy said Dh has Buerger's disease. Dh looked it up and we were astounded at how this seemed to be what he had. We brought this to a couple of the doctors he had been seeing and they all agreed. Umm what exactly am I paying you for? Sickening. Anyway at least we now have what we believe a name to the mystery ailment that has been following us for about a yr now. That in itself was something of a relief. Unfortunatly there isn't a thing that can cure this disease. The doctors can only really try to help with the symptoms. Upon research though I discovered that the ulcers go away after 1 1/2-2 yrs of appearing. Of course that is dependent upon quiting smoking. I having never been a fan of dh's smoking habit was in favor of him quitting throughout our marriage. Last yr in March he quit for good, so I thought. But apparently he has had a couple here and there ,errrg. When a doctor tells you that you will loose a digit if you don't quit smoking it makes you much more likely to do so. He was not nearly as addicted anymore so quitting the here and now cig was not a hard choice to make, especially at the expense of his digits.

We are now upon winter which is no friend of my dh and his digits. He has 3 ulcers, two on one foot and one on his finger. The doctors are unsure whether the one on his finger is now gangrene. This can happen in Buerger's disease. We are keeping a close eye on it. The last doctor he saw was amazed that he was still working. Apparently pain medication is my dh's friend and as long as his boss is not privy to him being this medicated everyone gets along just great. Umm do you see my dilemma here? These statements brought to my attention just how serious our situation is. Dh being a MAN (ugghh) didn't really let me see just how much pain he is in and just how much medication he is taking and just how much he really probably shouldn't be working. What happens if he doesn't work. I haven't the foggiest. I don't have the type of skills to bring in equal amount of money as he does. I might be able to cover our mortgage or food and gas but not everything we have coming in. Where does this leave us? It leaves us possibly getting 100% disability through the V.A. He is already 50% so it isn't such a stretch but they just don't hand that out. Plus what will happen to my 32 yr old hubby if he can never work again?? How will that affect his health? Will it be better? All doctors agree on one thing- Move to a warmer climate.

Dh's family has a homesteaded property, 50 acres, in South Carolina. The house burned to the ground 2 yrs ago. We would need to build and live in nowhere ville. They don't even have a Wal-Mart. On the other hand perhaps not having a Wal-Mart isn't such a bad thing after all. Plus I just moved a little over a yr ago so I am not looking forward to moving again. But if there is a chance it will make my hubby better I am certainly willing to try. And this ladies and gentlemen has been my predicament for the past few months, or more acuratley about a yr I just didn't realize it.

I would like to say again that I feel so blessed to have such good people around me. Thank you so much for all your prayers and warm thoughts. I really appreicate it and my heart is swelled and warm and fuzzy. I am the kind of person that likes to try and look at the positive side and well that is that I am fortunate enough to still have my dh around, crippled as he may be. He is here. That is such a good thing that having to deal with this illness doesn't seem quite as bad, kwim?

Vanessa

My Zoo grows

I love my husband I really do but sometimes I just wonder why he does the stuff he does, know what I mean? About a month ago I took Austin to the Rock show in Denver where he convinced me that we needed a 6 week old kitten. I love cats, I'm a cat person what can I say. It wasn't all that hard. I tried to hold off but the cat was so cute and I have been having alot of stress lately so I caved. (smacks self on forehead).

This is Tigger. His eyes are now brownish green. I'll see if I can get a picture.

Could you say no to this face?

My dh has a mystery ailment that we think we have figured out. Unfortunately it's not looking like we will be able to cure him. We think he has Buerger's Disease. It's directly linked to smoking lots of smoking and it's quite yucky. It's not very prevalent these days but essentially those who quit smoking will be mostly symptom free in 1 1/2 -2 yrs. But if you don't quit the chances of you needing amputation are about 80%. Patients, my dh included, get these ulcers on their digits. This is accompanied by extreme pain and there ain't a thing the doctors can do at least that they have found. So most nights he doesn't sleep and some nights I don't either. He can't get comfortable, he can't sit still. He gets up and walks around. Then tries to lay down again. We even got a recliner because he was more comfortable sitting up. This lets him sleep an extra hour or two a night.

Tigger becomes a pocket pet. All the while doing a great job of distracting my hubbs.

So here I have this kitten and the greatest thing happened. At night the kitten wanted to play. I was tired and wanted to sleep but hubbs can't sleep and the kitten biting and whatnot with him for an hour takes his mind off of the intense burning, itching and pain. I couldn't tell you how I was happy I had brought this cat home. Anything that helps at this point is making my life much nicer. Here I had thought "just what I need, something else to take care of and I am adding another bill to my modest budget". After one night my thinking was thank you so much for letting me come upon this little creature that is helping my hubs.



A couple of weeks passes and what does my hubs do? Hmmm? Apparently my stress is showing in not so nice emotional ways so he gets me a puppy. UMMmm hello do you not see my plate is overflowing here? Maybe I should have gotten a platter, that would have worked much better. In his defense and since I am such a cat person this is really the only type of dog I have ever said I would really want. But I meant when we were old and grey and our kids out the house not now. So I have two new babies in my home that do an awesome job of distracting my hubby from his various ailments. For this I am grateful. I am going to share pictures of our new additions. Oh and for those who are wondering my puppy is a "Dappled Dachshund" and he has stolen my heart.

And this my friends is Snoopy. I liked Harley but he answered to Snoopy so Snoopy it is. Isn't he a doll.

Tigger and Snoopy are becoming best friends.

Vanessa

Thankful to great teachers

This week has been a bit stressful. On Monday night I found out I would be teaching the Science Activities class at our co-op. My friend Kathy had a new grandson to see and wouldn't be able to make it. The good news was that we have been sort of teaching together although I must admit Kathy has been doing a huge chunk of the work with me sort of helping out a bit. This meant I knew what the class entailed and sort of what was planned for the upcoming class. Kathy sent me the list of activities that we were going to do and I went with it. It didn't dawn on me how much work Kathy was doing on her own until I was expected to do just such work. Okay I wasn't expected to but she had laid the groundwork for the class and I wanted to uphold that. I went through the list of things I would need and ended up with about 20 things that I needed to bring. I got really stressed at how I would pull this off.

So most of the week I spent worrying. I don't like being unorganized, it only stresses me out and makes me all weird. Unfortunatly I grew up with an unorganized mom whom I learned many bad habits from because I didn't know any other way. I have since worked on that and am finding more and more that I do like organization quite a bit. Anyway I knew I needed help in the classroom because I noticed if I put the kids in charge of a experiment/station then they didn't get to do the other experiments/stations. On the flip side of that the kids for the most part enjoyed being helpers and that in itself is beneficial.

I asked parents for volunteers to help with the stations but I was late in the game so I didn't get many mom's to volunteer. I did get one mom who was willing to take one station off my hands and she got her friend to do another one. This meant I still needed to get the kids to help out.

I put Colin in charge of flubber/silly putty station which was really two experiments in one but we had done this at home so he wanted that one. Austin got one with oil and water and food coloring that we had done the day before at home. It turned out neat and he knew what to do. Conner wanted to do a Krampf experiment that was more of a trick on how you can fit through an index card. I was in charge of looking at bubbles, and the other moms where in charge of slick sliding soap and fun with gas. So it was chemistry class.

At first it was a bit chaotic. I made the fatal mistake of assuming since this was the 3rd class the kids knew the drill and would wait while we got ready. It took quite a bit longer than I had intended and the kids got bored and played and got loud. We soon got a few of the stations set up and the rest came to follow quickly. Halfway through class the kids were engaged and we got an additional helper. At the end of class I felt it went well if not a bit crazy. The mom's helped clean up and we talked about how we would work out the kinks and get the class just running smoothly in time for the semester to be over. LOL.

I am constantly vigilant for learning opportunities for my children but also for myself. In this way I lead by example and my brain doesn't rot away from never being stretched any further than where it is at that particular moment. On this day I learned so very much. If unprepared you stress out alot. If prepared you don't stress nearly as much but on your first time doing something there is a nervousness involved. I think alot of my stress came from my feelings of inadequacy. I thought the class wouldn't go as well as it had with Kathy in charge. She is a great lady and so great with children. I am good with my children and with their friends but with 22 kids in the class I felt a bit overwhelmed at making the class work efficiently, having the kids learn something all the while having a great time during a one hour session. I learned about alot of things that day, mostly about how little I know or how very much I don't know. I'm okay with that because I feel I have reached that point where you really stop acting like you know about everything and start trying to find the answers to your questions. I have been there for some time. I feel more comfortable in the classroom setting in our co-op . Which is fantastic as I would like to teach a class perhaps next semester.

There is a new appreciation for teachers in general and of course of our co-op. These great mom's must prepare their class well in order for it to run smoothly. In that I hope to learn from these women about what makes a great class and how to best prepare for it. Of course nothing is foolproof is it? I will always expect surprises along the way to learn from for future reference. In the meantime I will attempt to lend a better helping hand to our great teacher Kathy for future classes by taking more of the workload.
We had a relativly laid back week the rest of the time. We did our schoolwork and our housework. A new week begins shortly with new possiblities. What was your week like?

Vanessa

"Newsworthy" trip

Thursday brought us to our local newspaper to see just how it all works. Our tour guide , Gregoria Vallejo told us all about the newspaper it's history and all sorts of other facts. The paper has been in operation since 1868 and puts out 50,000 copies per day that reach as far east as the Kansas border, west to Salida, south to Raton and north to Colorado Springs. They go through 72 rolls per week each roll weighing in at 1,700pounds of paper.And just how many people does it take to put out all those papers? 225 people to be exact. I don't think it includes the newspaper boys and such but that is still alot of people. We spoke with one of the reporters doing a golf piece and I noticed that all the computers are Mac's . We inquired about this and he said that most newspapers use mac's because they are easier to use. Huh I didn't know that I still don't understand the difference to be quite honest. The newspaper also boasts a printing machine that is so new they have only 5 in the USA and theirs is the 2nd one. It puts the paper on aluminum sheets and then prints from that. It really simplifies the way the old machine had done it. She explained that to the kids but I was busy yapping at how cool the machines and such were I missed most of this part. The printing press uses only 4 basic colors to do all its printing.

cyan (blue)
magenta (red)
yellow
black

She showed us how this works, it was really cool. She had a sample picture and put the yellow part down, it was on an overhead type plastic. The she put the red over that picture and you could see that it was a mom and daughter. Finally she put the blue one and it shadowed it and the black one came last and it made the picture crisp. I think us moms found it alot more interesting then the kids although they did like it too. We also covered a small bit of history with the Gutenberg printing press that mechanized printing. Here is a lesson plan for the gutenberg press.
http://www.education-world.com/a_tsl/archives/00-2/lesson0019.shtml

The paper has it's own fitness center and still has some of their old machines around like a muesum room, they were fascinating to look at. We were treated to pads of paper, the sunday comics which won't be out for 2 more days as well. Of course I took an insane amount of pictures I think it was around 50 , I won't bore you with every single last one but here are some of the best.

Our Tour guide Gregoria showing the kids about the paper
The newsroom. I was unsuccesful at getting all the signs hanging showing what each section was.
Meeting a reporter as he tells us about the golf piece he is working on
A little information about how they store all the old papers and where
This is how they used to store them. They bound them and made them books. Kathy really wanted to smell them(wink)

What is this?

I know this is an old video recorder. Cool huh?

A little information about how papers used to be printed in years past.

They hand carved rubber stamps to printing.Wow what alot of work and craftsmenship. These are a set of wedding announcments

Kathy points out neat window art of some near and dear comics

Here is the printing press with the aluminum sheets .

The boys look on as we are show how this all works

Some of the aluminum shets set out to be ready when needed.

The yellow picture first

Now the red and you can see it's a mom and daughter

Blue defines it even more and black gives it that crisp edge

Do they look like they are having fun?

Storage room for all the rolls of paper they need. They did have recycled paper.

Her the kids hear about the paper rolls . Did you know they come from Canada?

This machine assembles the paper.

Vanessa